Forbidden wishes

I think I was thinking too much until my body became tremendously dehydrated, as a result, my tonsils was swollened, heart beat was 140 beat/min, body temp was 39.4 dgree celcius. So I was rushed to the health centre, where they gave me a pill to inserted into my ass to lower my body temperature. It did felt weird. Then they did drippings on me for 2 hours. I was given whole bunch of drugs to be taken and wasn't allowed to fast until I can really get the strength back.

I have feeling that all these are part of a wish.

Silly me to wonder how does it feel like to be warded, to have needles penetrating through the skins. Silly me to wish I can be sick, so I can stay in my room with a reason, so I won't have the guilt of being useless. Now that its coming true, I'm not even allowed to leave my room accept for going to the clinic.

In other news, plan A of going to RCSI in dublin this coming september is totally screwed. I'm just one of the victims from the 2009 recession when everyone's broke. MARA told us if its not for 2009, they would have send us there. Surprisingly, as I'm dying to study in Dublin,there'

s some part of me whom wished I don't have to leave Malaysia. I guess the wish came true. Well I kinda liked my life here and I wished I don't have to be seperated with Iqbal since I totally suck in a long distance relationship. So, life goes on with plan B, which is to futher in International Medical University, where I'll be parting for the first time with all of my mates. They chose Melaka Manipal instead, be flying on the 11th of Sept. Studying in India doesn't really look appealing to me because of so many reasons. Whole 2 weeks, I spent thinking of the pros and cons of the 2 universities. Anyways, I'll go where my heart feels right, which is here, home, Malaysia.

klpac

On friday, me and Iqbal decided to go for some little adventure.

Iqbal with his interesting shoelace

me at an abandoned mansion

set of white sofas in the middle of the park

marching swans looking for food

when Iqbal turned golden

we had our picnic on a metal sofas above the lake

Iqbal's trying to make new best friends. ;P

gimme gimme a wink ;)

Us looking like ghosts

Sweets.

Things have finally fall into places. I believe all the things that had happened previously is indeed a blessing in disguise. If its not for shahputra, I wouldn't have the second opportunity. Well even if I did not fail on the first attempt of Alevels, I surely have only choice of medicine in India since getting a place in Australia is undeniable a pain in the ass. But god has deviced a better plan for me, a plan which has opened a bright door of opportunity on realising my wish since the day I had my spm results, to do medicine in ireland. And there's no better feeling of sweet success after failure, to rise from a downfall. ''what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'' I still remember quoting that phrase for every interview I had been through. It has always dwell in me, to never say I give up, because you only fail once you give up. And the power of will is strong too, because to achieve something is always possible no matter how hard it is, when the will is there one would do anything to realise the dreams. So it had worked for me and also my other mates who had been through all complications with me. Definitely, this is just the beginning of a life long journey as to have a life saving task as an occupation. There are still mountainous of challenges as to realise my big goal, there's still a lot more to do as to prepare myself mentally and physically.

self esteem

I have to wake up again. Be concious and independent. Build up back my self- esteem, be organized,self disciplined, highly motivated, and focus on priorities. I guess myself in the past wouldn't want to see me being pathetic over small matters. I should not let this happen. Because if it is than Im in WASTE. And I should not that let happening because I love myself.

On building up self esteem: there are 10 ways,


1.discovering your true self: identifying your true weakness and strength, feelings and thoughts, where are you headed in life, what does success mean to you.

2.make a list of what you like about yourself: appreciate the positive abilities and personalities. Learn how to love yourself, like improve how you look and never try imitate others. Just love the real you.

3.Never compare yourself with others because you yourself are unique. Never belittle yourself. ( This used to be princip of mine, its like a taboo to belittle myself because it shows your weakness and never show weakness to others as they'll take advantage, and showing of your weakness diminishes your aura). Count your blessings as for good things in life i.e family, health, talents and it does magicaly stimulate the sense of happiness. Always say thank you. Do the best with what god gives you.

4. reengineer yourself. Identify and discard false beliefs on yourself. and set the 'I can do it' positive attitude, because success is 80% attitude and 20% aptitude. practise postive self talk and talk about your winners. Never underestimate your abilities. Overcome your fear by doing the exactly thing that you fear e.g height, loneliness. have faith in god for the things that is beyond your limit and hope for the best.

5. Accept 100% responsibilities for your life. Make firm decision to change your life for the better. determine goals, long terms and short terms. goals should be attainable, reachable and relevant.celebrate your accomplishment and success.

6. let go perfectionisme. No one is perfect. give yourself freedom to fail because perfectionist never feel good enough. Avoid having unreasonable expectations of yourself and others. Avoid labelling yourself or induldge in self criticism.

7. Let go of yournegative past and look to the future. treat mistakes and failures as learning experience or stepping stone to success. avoid saying 'I can't do it' but instead say 'I haven't be able to do it now, but I'll never give up' Be courages and always ready to take risk.

8. WAKE UP HAPPY ! =D start your day with positive thoughts and smile. Associate with high achievers and friends who nourishes. Develop good sense of humor =). Avoid NEGAHOLICS.

9. Monitor progress. Review progress towards the attainment of goals and take corrective action. Adapt well to changes in your life. Maintain perseverance and self discipline.

10. lead a balanced life and seek continuos self improvement. Maintain health through proper nutrition , exercise and sufficient rest. Accept constructive cricticism as one stops learning without it. As how my mum quoted over dinner '' you get comfortable with compliments but you grow up with comments''

Guess I need to work out on balanced life since Im making myself use to having bed time at 4 am and morning at 12 am. So, really, I need to work things out alot. yes, I can ! =)

Bittersweet.

These garments are just amazing especially the white french lace, but the price can murder too because after a discounted price mama had to pay for rm1200 +, I'm hoping for the tailored one doesn't cost as much. So this splurging event happen very occasionally, since I'm very much not interested in buying fabrics at Jalan t.a.r, I've always just let my mum choose for my kain raya , so usually me and my brother would just camwhore in the fabric store. But due to my sister's wedding, and I'll be the bridesmaid for the event, I got enthusiastic in this.

inspired by cruel deville. hardyharhar

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So, next Tuesday is the day that open up the new path in my future, its the beginning of another chapter. Whether it will turn good or bad, it all happens for a reason, god knows the best for me. I've tried my very best and had all the support from my loved ones and now I'm surrendering to god, or people would call it tawakal. Come what may, I'll always been in gratitude because Allah is the greatest ever.

To live is to change;
to change is to mature;
to mature is to be constantly recreated. -Henri Bergson